Thursday, April 26, 2012

Don't IF will change you

So I have been thinking about what to write about NIAW and Resolves theme of Don't Ignore. I have read some great posts by some pretty amazing ladies and they all say things that resonate with me. Maybe that is why we are all so lucky to have each other on our crazy rollercoaster rides to becoming parents. Either way, I have come up with some things that really hit home with me.

Don't ignore and don't forget who you were before IF took over your life. Remember that carefree person, the person who knew that they wanted to be a mother but also knew that kids weren't in the picture for awhile. The one whose conversations with friends and family weren't about where they were in their cycle but about redecorating the house and other boring adult talk. The person who could have a drink when they had a bad day, who didn't have to wait till AF showed up to indulge. The one whose life wouldn't revolve around charts, medicine, shots, ultrasounds, doctors appointments, fighting with insurance, blood draws, do I really need to keep going?  While I can't deny that IF takes up a big portion of my life, it doesn't need to be my whole life, it SHOULDN'T be my whole life.

Don't ignore just how strong you have become. This journey isn't for the weak, maybe that is why each one of us was chosen to take this path, because God knows just how strong we all really are. It takes strength to come to the realization that children aren't going to come easy like they seem to come to other people we know. It takes strength to give up our privacy like we do with out Dr's, to bare it all time and time again or with our friends and family who know the ins and outs of our cycles. It takes so much strength to pick up the pieces after another failed cycle, to fake a smile when people ask when are you going to have kids. It takes a huge amount of strength to log into facebook and see a plethora of cute baby pictures, baby bumps and ultrasound and not punch the screen. Probably the hardest part, the part that takes the most strength is to not let anger, bitterness, and jealousy consume you. We all don't know how strong we are until being strong is the only choice we have (thank you pinterest for all the wonderful quotes you supply this quote junkie with).

Don't ignore the fact that this will change relationships. Some relationships can't handle the stress of IF and some become so much stronger. Some friendships will fall off to the side either because the friend is one of those fertile myrtles, doesn't feel like they have anything to say besides the well it will happen, or maybe they just weren't that great of a friend to begin with. Your relationship with your significant other will change. I have found that it has made Matt and I so much stronger. Sure we still struggle with certain things but I know that if we can survive IF we can handle anything else. IF will also give you the opportunity to create new relationships with people that you never thought you would have anything in common with. For instance, the lady who does my nails and owns the tanning salon, while she is in her late 30's we still have the connection of IF and she understands why I might be having a bad day or the side effects of medicine. Old schoolmates who you know but to have IF in common can bring you even closer. Sometimes it is an old friend who life just got in the way of your friendship but you meet up again and realize that IF is something you both can work through together. Then there are all my bloggy friends, the amazing woman that I won't get to meet in person but know that they are in my corner just as I am in theirs.

IF can take a lot away from us but there are good things too. While it is not easy ignore the bad because it is always there, the constant reminder that you don't have a child of your own; IF will make you stronger, makes your relationships stronger, show you who truly has your back and make you a fighter.
(I might add that I am horrible at conclusions, I hated writing them for every paper and they were always crummy)

Sunday, April 22, 2012

It is a long winding road

Hello and welcome if you are coming here from ICLW. This is my 2nd time participating and I love love love finding all the new blogs. Thank you for stopping by and to read our entire TTC story or our love story I have the tabs along the top.

A quick recap though

-Married September 19, 2009 to the love of my life Matt
-Started my MBA, a baby wasn't in the plans till after graduation
-February 2011- Graduation is close enough bye bye BCP
-July 2011- Diagnosed officially with PCOS
-October 2011- AF shows up after a 5 month hiatus lasted for over a month
-November 2011-50mg of clomid, unmonitored no ovulation
-December 2011- 100mg of clomid, unmonitored BFN
-January 2012- 150mg of clomid, BFN, referred to RE
-February 2012- meet with Dr. S, love him, start provera if no AF
-March 2012- After provera induced AF start 150mg of clomid, monitored, 2 follicles, trigger shot, progesterone at 6.59, BFN
-April 2012- 5mg of Letrozole, monitored, 2 follicles, trigger shot and now I am in my TWW

Whew and in that time too Matt has quit his job to be a full time farmer and do mechanic work on the side and I am still battling my weight. It is now spring and I have become a farm widow which means Matt is unable to go to most of the appointments with me unless it is raining. Yep the joys of being a farm wife.

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Lots of Questions and Lots of Answers

So I was lucky enough to be tagged twice to answer some questions once by Dog Mom Chasing the Stork and then again by Just Too Busy.

The questions from Dog Mom

1. What was your favorite food as a child?
Shrimp- I used to eat this all the time would beg my mom to buy it get it at restaurants as much as I could. Now I eat it sometimes but not as often as I used too the smell gets to me now I think.

2. What’s the #1 song on your Ipod/MP3 player playlist?
Oh man this is a toughy but right now it is Fight Like a Girl by Bomshel but I also have been listing to the I Heart Radio app alot and my Eric Church station.

3. What is your least favorite mode of transportation?
Well I don't have a lot of options around here since I live in the country but when I was in DC we rode the metro and I can imagine if I had to ride it everyday and fight the crowds I would begin to hate it.

4. What chore do you absolutely hate doing?
Dusting and since we live around a stone quarry I basically have to do it every week or else it gets gross

5. What is your favorite Halloween costume you have dressed up in?
I didn't do Halloween much just because I lived in the country and we didn't have trick or treat

6. If you could stay a certain age forever, what would it be?
I loved my freshman year of college, I found out so much about myself, had a blast and made some lifelong friends
7. Which celebrity do you get mistaken for?
Sarah Palin not really sue if you would call her a celebrity or not

8. What’s the first thing you do when you arrive at your destination while traveling?
Go to the bathroom!

9. What was one of the best parties you have ever been to?
My wedding of course lol and my besties wedding

10. What do you miss most about being a kid?
Not having to deal with all this adult stuff like bills, insurance etc. I also miss being a part of 4-H and all the memories I had from that. I had a great childhood and can't wait till I get to have my own little ones and do the things that I did.

11. The best part of waking up is?
Looking over and seeing Matt with the dog sleeping on his pillows.

Now the questions from Just Too Busy

1. Where would you live, if you could live anywhere?
I've always been a hopeless romantic for the cowboy life so I would live out west where there is nothing for miles and miles except wide open spaces.

2. In what ways has your partner supported you with IF? In what ways have to felt alone?
Matt has been super supportive and completely understanding with my mood swings. He doesn't get offended when I bite his head off sometimes over nothing. The one complaint I have is that I wish he would go with me to all the appointments and ask to go along not me asking him to go.

3. Are you still friends with any of your childhood friends?
As sad as it sounds I wouldn't call us friends because I don't see hardly any of them because unlike me most left our small town and only come back on holidays. However, when they do come back I try and see them but we don't have much in common so conversations can be kind of awkward. There are some though that still hold high school grudges and well I'm over that so I don't have much use for those people.

4. What is the most expensive thing you own vs. most valuable thing you own?
The most expensive thing would probably be my grandma's diamond earrings, my grandma had diamonds galore and if I had to guess these ones cost a pretty penny. Now those earrings along with my wedding bands are probably my most valued possession because of the people they came from.

5. What did you want to be when you "grew up"?
From the time I started being around the farm animals I knew I wanted to be a veterinarian. Chemistry kind of got in my way =(

6. Do you believe in ghosts?
I believe our loved ones are always around us and sometimes things will happen or show up and remind me that they are always looking out for me.

7. What was your first car? Did you pay for it yourself?
I started out driving a 1986 Honda Accord but broke my thumb and was unable to shift and steer at the same time so I started driving my dads truck. The first vehicle I bought was a Dodge Dakota my senior year.

8. What was your first job?
My first real job with a paycheck was the summer after I graduated High School at KFC and at a local veterinarians office cleaning kennels.

9. What has been the worst part of IF treatments/tests so far?
Hmm the HSG wasn't as bad as I made it out to be in my mind but for the 30 seconds that it was uncomfortable those were the longest 30 seconds ever.

10. Who is your favorite author?
Beverly Lewis, Nicholas Sparks, Emily Giffin

11. Did you pick out your wedding/engagement ring or did your spouse?
For the engagement ring he knew that I liked princess cut but he picked out the 3 stone and we picked out our bands together

Phew that was a lot of questions. Since it seems so many people have been tagged I'm not going to tag anyone but I love reading every ones answers to the different questions!

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Keep On Keepin On

My u/s yesterday was good, 2 follicles on my right measuring 20 and 14. My left had a bunch of little ones, Dr. S actually called it Lazy Lefty which kind of made me giggle. I have my trigger shot on Wednesday and blood draw the following week. So check 1 is that I had follicles, check 2 will be when I ovulate and check 3 will be hoping that my progesterone is above 12 and check 4 well would obviously be to get pregnant. So for now I just keep on keepin on and hopefully get to check everything off my list. 

I'm sorry for the long break but I haven't had much to write about or the time to write really either. Matt and I got some huge jobs done on Saturday, ( I only got his help because it was raining), we installed my new to me washer from my mom. A nice front loading washer, and I was in heaven. Never thought I would get so excited about a washer but I was over the moon. We also got the 2nd spare room cleaned out after earlier in the week I had went in there and found mouse droppings. I freaked and declared everything needed to come out of that room so I could clean and shampoo the carpet. Now mind you I have wanted this done for over a year but I think the mouse droppings pushed Matt into doing it. My next project will be to paint and decorate it and move the computer out of the other room so hopefully the back room can soon become the nursery. I am not however counting my chickens before they hatch. We also sort of had Matt's family Easter since his one brother wasn't able to make it home on Easter they came home on Saturday. I haven't mentioned the issues with Matt's oldest brother (not the one who came home he is the middle one) and someday I will get them off my chest but today is not the day but either way it was nice to see my nieces and nephews and to watch them play together. Not once did I get sad wishing that I had one to join them because I know that I will I just know it.

I came across some old memories the other day (darn you facebook timeline) which led into some more stuff and I will need to get that story off my chest soon too but not today because I am choosing to be happy that I produced follicles and that Dr. S was pleased and that Friday when I got off work I got to go spend some time with Matt in the tractor, one of my most favorite places to be!

I think this is pretty close to heaven

And he takes the tractor another round- except mine isn't a big green tractor but a big orange one
 I might have a slight obsession with instagram since it became available on the android market =)

Monday, April 9, 2012


I hope everyone had a wonderful Easter, lots of family time, good food and a good church service. This year, being new to the blogging world I decided to join in the Lenten Prayer Buddy which I saw from This Cross I Embrace and I was excited when I received my prayer buddy, Kim. I have been praying for her and her husband that they are able to conceive and that it will happen in God's time.

I am on my last day of Letrozole and my u/s is scheduled for the 16th. I am once again trying to stay middle of the road and not swing either way just because it is better for my emotional health these days. I've seen a bunch of facebook announcements and while I am happy for these people it hurts, a hurt that I haven't ever felt before. I've hurt because Matt and I don't have any kids yet but I think this is because if this cycle doesn't work I'm not sure where we go from here. It is a scared hurt too because I'm scared that we won't ever get to have kids of our own. I teared up at church on Saturday night because the Priest was talking about sitting on the couch with your kids at your knees telling them the stories from the Bible and it just hit me like a punch in the gut. I've tried to be emotionally stable when it comes to baby announcements, people asking when we are having kids and seeing pregnant woman and such but here lately they seem to effect me more than normal and it is not good because I don't want to become that bitter infertile. So for now I'm going to swallow the last of my pills tonight, take my temps like my reflexologist says too and wait for good news on the 16th and be thankful for what I do have.

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Game Over

Sorry it has been awhile, between the trip to DC, trying to catch up on cleaning and such around the house and the laptop being in the shop it has been hard to find time and a comfortable place to blog. So as the title states, my TWW ended with AF showing up. It was a weird start for AF and it left with a tiny bit of hope, but nope she showed her true colors soon enough. I'm ok, and I'm not just saying that, I really am ok. With this cycle I learned that my body can produce eggs and I can ovulate. I just need to get my progesterone level up and I am hoping that this next cycle with Letrozole this will happen because should it not we will have to take some time off before moving onto the injectables due to the cost. Although I am hoping that we give the Letrozole a few chances before jumping straight to injectables. I was kind of hoping we might have somewhat of a refund on our taxes (we just got them done yesterday) but I should have known better as it was a very good year with the farm. Oh well such is life right? Sunday night I told my BFF A that it was game over for this cycle and her response, word for word was, Darling, most people can't catch an egg and sperm on their first try so don't you dare fret about it. I could have went to a bad place with that but I think it was the way she said it that it just made me bust out laughing. Also knowing that the pieces are coming together and that soon they will all fall into place and I will get to call her and tell her she is going to be an Aunt! So tomorrow I start taking the meds and keeping my fingers crossed and saying my prayers. I'm also working at catching up on everyone else I promise!!