I hope everyone had a wonderful Easter, lots of family time, good food and a good church service. This year, being new to the blogging world I decided to join in the Lenten Prayer Buddy which I saw from This Cross I Embrace and I was excited when I received my prayer buddy, Kim. I have been praying for her and her husband that they are able to conceive and that it will happen in God's time.
I am on my last day of Letrozole and my u/s is scheduled for the 16th. I am once again trying to stay middle of the road and not swing either way just because it is better for my emotional health these days. I've seen a bunch of facebook announcements and while I am happy for these people it hurts, a hurt that I haven't ever felt before. I've hurt because Matt and I don't have any kids yet but I think this is because if this cycle doesn't work I'm not sure where we go from here. It is a scared hurt too because I'm scared that we won't ever get to have kids of our own. I teared up at church on Saturday night because the Priest was talking about sitting on the couch with your kids at your knees telling them the stories from the Bible and it just hit me like a punch in the gut. I've tried to be emotionally stable when it comes to baby announcements, people asking when we are having kids and seeing pregnant woman and such but here lately they seem to effect me more than normal and it is not good because I don't want to become that bitter infertile. So for now I'm going to swallow the last of my pills tonight, take my temps like my reflexologist says too and wait for good news on the 16th and be thankful for what I do have.
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I wish I could say I found the magic bullet to not become a bitter infertile, but it's been impossible for me to never be bitter. Sometimes I can handle it (sometimes it feels like months and months of being ok) and then WOOSH! an announcement, question, etc. just hits you wrong. I don't think you will ever become a "bitter infertile." We may all have feelings of jealousy or whatever, but it comes and goes. In the end, it's completely natural to feel the way you do because of the hard work you've put into this one thing you can't easily get. XO
ReplyDeleteMegan, it is very hard to not be bitter. I have friends that are 10 years younger than I am that have children and it is hard to ask why not me! I don't understnd why we have to go through this but I'm glad that I have support and love all around me. I love kids and I hope that you and I both can have them. Until then keep your head up girl and I will be praying for you and family. Melissa
ReplyDeletei'm so sorry to read this post. i know the guilt that comes along with the bitterness when everyone seems to be getting pregnant around you. God understands it too. Good luck with this cycle- i really hope it works out!!!
ReplyDeleteps-i tagged you in a post...i hope you play along because I'd like to know more about you! :-) http://dogmomchasingthestork.wordpress.com/2012/04/09/ill-show-you-mine-if-you-show-me-yours-lets-play/
Just because you feel bitter sometimes does not make you a bitter infertile! Or at least I hope it doesn't because then I am one! It is human to have feelings! And you can't help the way you feel. We CAN control how we treat others, though, and I think you sound like a very kind person.
ReplyDeleteI hope this cycle goes well for you and Matt!
Thank you so much ladies, you all made me feel better about the feelings I was having and not feel guilty for having them.
ReplyDeleteDon't feel guilty at all, it is hard to hear announcements of pregnancies when that is the thing you want most. God will give you your next steps and you will get that baby you dream of one way or another. = )
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