Thursday, April 23, 2015

NIAW- You Are Not Alone

This year's theme for National Infertility Awareness Week is "You are Not Alone"

I want you to know that you are not alone in this struggle. I want you to know that statistically 1 out of 8 couples suffer from infertility. So please remember, you are not alone.

When we learned that our OB couldn't help us anymore, that we were crossing the threshold from OB to RE I had never felt so alone. Sure I had Matt, my family, his family but still I felt alone. I felt like I had failed.

Then I opened myself up.

I opened up about my infertility struggle.

I found out that I wasn't alone.

There are woman that I have met along with journey, some blogging friends who have become such a part of my life I couldn't imagine not interacting with them on a daily basis.These woman have opened up to me and shown me that I am not alone.

There are people that I know who are friends and acquaintances who after I opened up, opened up to me. They thought they were alone. They thought know one else knew what they were going through. They were wrong.

I was wrong.

After my miscarriage I again felt alone. I had Matt who was also going through this miscarriage with me, I had my family, his family and my bff's. I also had Reagan. That little girl was such a bright spot in that time.

Again though, I opened up about my miscarriage and the amount of people that I knew that came and talked to me literally floored me. Miscarriages and losses are those uncomfortable topics that no one talks about. You can't just bring it up at the dinner table or at the coffee shop. But it helped me to open up about it and if I helped just one person not feel alone then me sharing my story was important.

So please I beg you just know that you are not alone.

Tuesday, March 17, 2015

One Day at a Time

It's been almost a month since my miscarriage.

Life has returned to normal.

Well a new normal.

I don't think things will ever be "normal" or back the way it was. We just have evolved.

Physically I am back to normal. Mentally I have come a long way from where I was. I still have my moments when the air is sucked out of me when I see a pregnant woman or read an announcement. Especially as we get closer and closer to what would have been my due date.   Never though would I not be happy for a new life. So please if you know me and you see me take a moment before congratulating the new mom or snuggling the baby please don't think it is out of jealousy. It is a moment of mourning for me, for a lost child.

But each day I find myself doing better and better.

Thank you all for your prayers and checking in on me, you will never know just how much it meant to me.

I have been currently working on collecting pictures and pieces of art with sayings on them to make a gallery wall. We are going to be doing a huge renovation in our home and I will have a big blank wall that I cannot wait to fill up.

Ever since that night, the words Be Free have been in my head. It just kind of sums it up for me. Well, I wanted a way to incorporate that into my wall. I found this print and the shop owner was able to customize it for me. Most people when they look at it won't know the significance of the date but to me, this is a way to keep the memory alive. A way to be a part of our family wall.


Thursday, February 26, 2015

I Was Then I Wasn't- Part Two

The spotting started on Thursday the 19th. But I wasn't worried, it was hardly there and it was brown. Brown=old so no worries.

Monday the 23rd it went from brown to red.

I called the doctor and the nurse said to take it easy and not lift anything heavy. Easy enough so when I got home Reagan and I burrowed into the couch with a blanket and watched a movie.

Matt came in and I passed some tissue. I told him he needed to take me to the ER.

We arrived and I couldn't even say the word miscarriage without breaking down in tears. Matt was awesome and told them what they needed to know. To add a little insult to injury, the lady behind me in line was in labor. Yup here I was having a miscarriage and there is a lady in labor behind me.

5+ hours later Matt, myself and my empty uterus left with orders to follow up with my ob.

My ob and nurse were understanding and comforting. Reassuring me that I did nothing wrong, this thing happens to about 1 out of 5 pregnancies. But that it does suck. 

My HCG levels that night were 2714. Today they are 323.

I'm glad that it is falling fast. I just want this nightmare to be over. I know though that no matter what, Matt and I will never forget.

People ask me how I am feeling. I'm not sure what to say. Physically I am ok, mentally I don't know how to put it into words.

I'm not okay right now, but I will be.

Wednesday, February 25, 2015

I Was Then I Wasn't

I've been a bit quiet over here.

I was pregnant and now I'm not.

I was in complete shock when I took the pregnancy test on February 5th and it was a strong positive. I knew I had ovulated but I thought we had missed the window. Apparently not and we were ecstatic. Ecstatic because this pregnancy happened with no help, it happened like it was supposed to. It happened like it does for non infertiles.

I called my ob because I wanted the confirmation of a blood test like I had with Reagan. I knew I probably wouldn't get a 2 or 3 but there was something about having that confirmation. That definitive answer. I had my blood test on February 6th. I got the call that afternoon with a number of 674. Such a high number and I again was overjoyed.

The nausea and exhaustion was there. The all day nausea. The wanting to take a nap in the middle of the day, as soon as I got home from work and going to bed after I put Reagan to bed. I forgot just how tired you are during the first trimester.

And then I tried out those Clear Blue tests. The ones that tell you how far along you are. The first one I did say 2-3 weeks. It made sense. So I went with it. And I took another and it said the same thing. Still thought it made sense. So then because I was addicted I bought another box. This time it again said 2-3 weeks. I began to worry because it shouldn't say that anymore. It should have said 3+. But I still had nausea, I was bloated, I was exhausted so that test must be wrong.

So just to reassure my paranoid self, I was able to secure an ultrasound earlier than normal with my ob. It was scheduled for February 26th with my initial appointment the following day.

To be continued...

Tuesday, January 13, 2015

And Just Like That

I have a 2 year old...

And I'm not sure how that happened...

I now have a child that verbalizes very clearly when she needs something. We need a drink, we need a snack, we need this toy or that book, we need to watch Mickey Mouse or Super Why.

I now have a child that says her letters and we are working on numbers.

I have a child that will bring you book after book after book and have you read them.

I have a child that will read books to herself.

I have a child that has a temper that is a combination of her mother and fathers. Who struggles hearing the word NO. She prefers to do things herself even though she can't.

I have a child that has no fear. We will crawl, stand and jump off anything. She has fallen and cried but a simple are you okay, and life goes on.

I have a child that looks at everything with wonder in her eyes. The mere sight of something new and she wants to know all about it. I love that look of wonder and I hope it never leaves.

I have a child that I am blessed to call mine.