I Was Then I Wasn't- Part Two

The spotting started on Thursday the 19th. But I wasn't worried, it was hardly there and it was brown. Brown=old so no worries.

Monday the 23rd it went from brown to red.

I called the doctor and the nurse said to take it easy and not lift anything heavy. Easy enough so when I got home Reagan and I burrowed into the couch with a blanket and watched a movie.

Matt came in and I passed some tissue. I told him he needed to take me to the ER.

We arrived and I couldn't even say the word miscarriage without breaking down in tears. Matt was awesome and told them what they needed to know. To add a little insult to injury, the lady behind me in line was in labor. Yup here I was having a miscarriage and there is a lady in labor behind me.

5+ hours later Matt, myself and my empty uterus left with orders to follow up with my ob.

My ob and nurse were understanding and comforting. Reassuring me that I did nothing wrong, this thing happens to about 1 out of 5 pregnancies. But that it does suck. 

My HCG levels that night were 2714. Today they are 323.

I'm glad that it is falling fast. I just want this nightmare to be over. I know though that no matter what, Matt and I will never forget.

People ask me how I am feeling. I'm not sure what to say. Physically I am ok, mentally I don't know how to put it into words.

I'm not okay right now, but I will be.

I Was Then I Wasn't

I've been a bit quiet over here.

I was pregnant and now I'm not.

I was in complete shock when I took the pregnancy test on February 5th and it was a strong positive. I knew I had ovulated but I thought we had missed the window. Apparently not and we were ecstatic. Ecstatic because this pregnancy happened with no help, it happened like it was supposed to. It happened like it does for non infertiles.

I called my ob because I wanted the confirmation of a blood test like I had with Reagan. I knew I probably wouldn't get a 2 or 3 but there was something about having that confirmation. That definitive answer. I had my blood test on February 6th. I got the call that afternoon with a number of 674. Such a high number and I again was overjoyed.

The nausea and exhaustion was there. The all day nausea. The wanting to take a nap in the middle of the day, as soon as I got home from work and going to bed after I put Reagan to bed. I forgot just how tired you are during the first trimester.

And then I tried out those Clear Blue tests. The ones that tell you how far along you are. The first one I did say 2-3 weeks. It made sense. So I went with it. And I took another and it said the same thing. Still thought it made sense. So then because I was addicted I bought another box. This time it again said 2-3 weeks. I began to worry because it shouldn't say that anymore. It should have said 3+. But I still had nausea, I was bloated, I was exhausted so that test must be wrong.

So just to reassure my paranoid self, I was able to secure an ultrasound earlier than normal with my ob. It was scheduled for February 26th with my initial appointment the following day.


To be continued...