NIAW- You Are Not Alone

This year's theme for National Infertility Awareness Week is "You are Not Alone"

I want you to know that you are not alone in this struggle. I want you to know that statistically 1 out of 8 couples suffer from infertility. So please remember, you are not alone.

When we learned that our OB couldn't help us anymore, that we were crossing the threshold from OB to RE I had never felt so alone. Sure I had Matt, my family, his family but still I felt alone. I felt like I had failed.

Then I opened myself up.

I opened up about my infertility struggle.

I found out that I wasn't alone.

There are woman that I have met along with journey, some blogging friends who have become such a part of my life I couldn't imagine not interacting with them on a daily basis.These woman have opened up to me and shown me that I am not alone.

There are people that I know who are friends and acquaintances who after I opened up, opened up to me. They thought they were alone. They thought know one else knew what they were going through. They were wrong.

I was wrong.

After my miscarriage I again felt alone. I had Matt who was also going through this miscarriage with me, I had my family, his family and my bff's. I also had Reagan. That little girl was such a bright spot in that time.

Again though, I opened up about my miscarriage and the amount of people that I knew that came and talked to me literally floored me. Miscarriages and losses are those uncomfortable topics that no one talks about. You can't just bring it up at the dinner table or at the coffee shop. But it helped me to open up about it and if I helped just one person not feel alone then me sharing my story was important.

So please I beg you just know that you are not alone.

One Day at a Time

It's been almost a month since my miscarriage.

Life has returned to normal.

Well a new normal.

I don't think things will ever be "normal" or back the way it was. We just have evolved.

Physically I am back to normal. Mentally I have come a long way from where I was. I still have my moments when the air is sucked out of me when I see a pregnant woman or read an announcement. Especially as we get closer and closer to what would have been my due date.   Never though would I not be happy for a new life. So please if you know me and you see me take a moment before congratulating the new mom or snuggling the baby please don't think it is out of jealousy. It is a moment of mourning for me, for a lost child.

But each day I find myself doing better and better.

Thank you all for your prayers and checking in on me, you will never know just how much it meant to me.

I have been currently working on collecting pictures and pieces of art with sayings on them to make a gallery wall. We are going to be doing a huge renovation in our home and I will have a big blank wall that I cannot wait to fill up.

Ever since that night, the words Be Free have been in my head. It just kind of sums it up for me. Well, I wanted a way to incorporate that into my wall. I found this print and the shop owner was able to customize it for me. Most people when they look at it won't know the significance of the date but to me, this is a way to keep the memory alive. A way to be a part of our family wall.

 

I Was Then I Wasn't- Part Two

The spotting started on Thursday the 19th. But I wasn't worried, it was hardly there and it was brown. Brown=old so no worries.

Monday the 23rd it went from brown to red.

I called the doctor and the nurse said to take it easy and not lift anything heavy. Easy enough so when I got home Reagan and I burrowed into the couch with a blanket and watched a movie.

Matt came in and I passed some tissue. I told him he needed to take me to the ER.

We arrived and I couldn't even say the word miscarriage without breaking down in tears. Matt was awesome and told them what they needed to know. To add a little insult to injury, the lady behind me in line was in labor. Yup here I was having a miscarriage and there is a lady in labor behind me.

5+ hours later Matt, myself and my empty uterus left with orders to follow up with my ob.

My ob and nurse were understanding and comforting. Reassuring me that I did nothing wrong, this thing happens to about 1 out of 5 pregnancies. But that it does suck. 

My HCG levels that night were 2714. Today they are 323.

I'm glad that it is falling fast. I just want this nightmare to be over. I know though that no matter what, Matt and I will never forget.

People ask me how I am feeling. I'm not sure what to say. Physically I am ok, mentally I don't know how to put it into words.

I'm not okay right now, but I will be.

I Was Then I Wasn't

I've been a bit quiet over here.

I was pregnant and now I'm not.

I was in complete shock when I took the pregnancy test on February 5th and it was a strong positive. I knew I had ovulated but I thought we had missed the window. Apparently not and we were ecstatic. Ecstatic because this pregnancy happened with no help, it happened like it was supposed to. It happened like it does for non infertiles.

I called my ob because I wanted the confirmation of a blood test like I had with Reagan. I knew I probably wouldn't get a 2 or 3 but there was something about having that confirmation. That definitive answer. I had my blood test on February 6th. I got the call that afternoon with a number of 674. Such a high number and I again was overjoyed.

The nausea and exhaustion was there. The all day nausea. The wanting to take a nap in the middle of the day, as soon as I got home from work and going to bed after I put Reagan to bed. I forgot just how tired you are during the first trimester.

And then I tried out those Clear Blue tests. The ones that tell you how far along you are. The first one I did say 2-3 weeks. It made sense. So I went with it. And I took another and it said the same thing. Still thought it made sense. So then because I was addicted I bought another box. This time it again said 2-3 weeks. I began to worry because it shouldn't say that anymore. It should have said 3+. But I still had nausea, I was bloated, I was exhausted so that test must be wrong.

So just to reassure my paranoid self, I was able to secure an ultrasound earlier than normal with my ob. It was scheduled for February 26th with my initial appointment the following day.


To be continued...

And Just Like That

I have a 2 year old...

And I'm not sure how that happened...

I now have a child that verbalizes very clearly when she needs something. We need a drink, we need a snack, we need this toy or that book, we need to watch Mickey Mouse or Super Why.

I now have a child that says her letters and we are working on numbers.

I have a child that will bring you book after book after book and have you read them.

I have a child that will read books to herself.

I have a child that has a temper that is a combination of her mother and fathers. Who struggles hearing the word NO. She prefers to do things herself even though she can't.

I have a child that has no fear. We will crawl, stand and jump off anything. She has fallen and cried but a simple are you okay, and life goes on.

I have a child that looks at everything with wonder in her eyes. The mere sight of something new and she wants to know all about it. I love that look of wonder and I hope it never leaves.

I have a child that I am blessed to call mine.

March, Are We There Yet?

Things change fast, decisions we thought we were good with can be changed at the drop of a hat.

Well one decision we thought we were good with was waiting till January to go the RE. That would get us through the holidays and we could start 2015 off with a bang.

Well after a lot more talking and figuring, March is when we are going to the RE. We have 2 pretty big farm payments to make in January and February. I'm not looking to put more financial strain on so Matt and I both decided that it would be best to get those out of the way and then we can focus on baby #2. Now of course all this is thrown out the window should we be blessed before that!

I know I say it almost every post I do but how is it seriously December 8th??? In less than a month I will have a two year old. Believe me the terrible two's have already hit. We have meltdowns over the silliest things. Now I realize, to her they aren't silly but having a meltdown because I won't let her have an oatmeal cream pie, Trix or chips before supper. Sometimes it is hard not to laugh because she looks so pathetic! If I do laugh I make sure I am turned away from her or I walk out of the room. Matt is horrible about not laughing.

Finally,

Christmas pictures this year! She was so much more into them and the photog's set was beautiful!

 I had to show this one, well because Reagan looks super cute and Matt, super creepy

 A much better family picture

Her dress, $20 from Zulily

Here Mama was what she was saying

 This face, complete hand caught in the cookie jar

Be still my heart because my baby isn't a baby anymore

 She loves to rock-n-ride and this fake snow was so slippery she was having a BLAST!

I never knew how much I loved your daddy, till I saw how much he loved you!

Picking pictures for the Christmas card was hard! But thanks to Pampers rewards we got Christmas cards super cheap from Shutterfly. I will share the final card once I get it!

How is it November 1st?

This post has had several title changes, because every time I think about writing it I realize the date has changed.

How can it possibly be November 1st already? How are we full steam ahead to the holidays? This just seems absolutely mind boggling.

What else is mind boggling is that I haven't blogged in so long. That is what harvest does to me. I have no time to sit down and write anything much less make my brain focus enough to put a post together. Well, harvest is still going on but I'm forcing myself to get this post done.

My No Spend September went fairly well. I had a few times I bought things that weren't an absolute necessity but for the most part I feel like I should make this an ever other month habit. Trying to keep finances in order is not a fun part of being an adult.

With that being said and Christmas literally knocking on our door, my goal is to not put anything on a credit card that I cannot turn around and pay off. I do not want a Christmas shopping hangover in the new year. Of course there will be more on Christmas later, because we have to get through the month of November.

Other exciting news, we are officially ttc for baby #2. For now just temping but come the first of the year if we have no luck we will head back down to Dr. S. Not wasting too much time messing around this time!

I realize this post is so scatter brained but I do have some other posts planned such as my working mom guilt, raising a daughter and such.

For now though I will leave you with some pictures of the cutest Elmo I've ever seen =)

No Spend September- GYSTS14

I really have no clue if this is a thing or not but I am making it!

I have an online shopping problem. Like big time.

Slow at work, hop on zulily.com or oldnavy.com. Sometimes even etsy.com. It just depends on my mood. However, this browsing does eventually lead to purchasing which isn't good on my wallet.

I have a goal of being debt free (student loans and credit cards) by 35. So therefore I have to keep myself from buying the non essentials.

Sure those yoga pants are nice but do I really need them?

Okay so here is the list of things I am allowed to buy:
-Groceries (Obvi)
-Diapers (Although potty training seems to be getting closer!)
-Gas for vehicles
-Emergency Situations (God willing there are none)
-Medicine

That is it. Nothing more nothing less.

Also if you read my other blog www.selfishmomma.blogspot.com you will see that I am Getting My Sh*t Together September. This is just an extension of that. Not only did I slack on working out and eating right I've slacked on my finances too which is not good.

So here is my plan. Putting it out there for the world to read.

1.5 Years

1.5 years ago we welcomed a healthy 8lb 9oz 20 inch long perfect baby girl into this year. A year and a half ago. When you say it  like that I feel like she has been here forever. Trying to remember a time when she wasn't here is hard.

Bad mom moment happened for her doctor appointment. I was at work busy getting stuff finished for a meeting the next day. Get a text from the sitter, did you forget about Reagan's doctor appointment? Look at the clock 3:56. Her appointment was at 4. Thankfully they were still able to get her in. Our pediatrician's office just hired a CNP and that is who we saw this time. She was awesome. Love her!

She weighed in at 28.4lbs and was 33.5 inches long. Her head circumfrance was 18.5. She is healthy and no issues. We are so lucky and blessed!

Here are a few sneak peaks of her 18 month session. They are amazing and I am going to have such a hard time picking them!

 The rest can be viewed at the photographers site www.photographybyluann.com then click on view proofs.

A Day in the Life...Weekday

I've seen a few of these around the blogosphere and they were interesting. Interesting in that how very different our lives our but still center around family and our little ones. So I decided to jump on board, here is my week day edition.

3:53am- First alarm goes off for me so I can get my butt to the gym. I usually snooze this one at least twice

4:15- Second alarm goes off. I snooze this one once

4:25- Finally roll myself out of bed and get dressed, take my pre-workouts and have my spark ready to go with me

4:45-4:50- Out the door headed to the gym

5:00-6:00- M/W is spin/lift
                  T/TH- Toning/Cardio
                  Friday- Freaky Friday- meaning whatever J is in the mood for. Sometimes a lot of cardio,                    sometimes a lot of lifting, maybe more spin.

6:15ish- home and headed to the shower. Matt and Reagan are usually still asleep. Heck even Zoe isn't up yet.

6:45- out of the shower and make-up is done. Attempt to wake the sleepyheads. Sometimes it works other times I have to go back a few times.

7:00- Finish getting ready, pack my lunch, lay out clothes for Reagan, get her cereal and milk ready, keep Matt moving (because he sometimes gets sucked into Thomas the Train with Reagan).

7:20-7:30- Out the door to drop Reagan off at the sitters and head to work.

8:00-4:30- Daily Grind

4:50- Pick Reagan up and head home.

5:00- Figure out what Matt is doing and how late he will be. This answer will depend on the season and how busy he is in the shop. During spring planting, he won't get in till sometimes after 8 or 9. In the winter he is done by 6. Depending on his answer, I will either begin to make supper for all of us or just Reagan and I. His answer will also determine if I get an extra gym sesh in on Monday and Wednesday.

7:30- Supper is over and done, dishes cleaned up, laundry started, maybe some minor cleaning or maybe we go outside and play. Either way about this time a bath happens and PJ's are put on.

8:00-9:00- Little miss usually goes to bed anywhere between these times. If she is extra tired it will be earlier. If she is full of it, a little later.

9:00-10:00- TV time/reading/catching up on social media while Matt usually falls asleep on the floor.

10:00-10:30- Head to bed to do it all over again

Mommy and Me Session

I believe I mentioned before that I had another mommy and me session a few weeks ago. (Here is the one from last year  These pictures mean so much to me because I'm the one behind the lens (I say lens like I'm so awesome photog when in reality it is usually my phone with an IG filter). Anyhooo, here are the 10 images that I chose.

Seriously, when did she get so big?

Mother's Day & Farming

**I've had this post here since Monday but it just wasn't sounding right to me. Well, better late than never I guess.**

Who ever decided mother's day needed to be in May obviously was not a farmers wife.Therefore, I knew we wouldn't be doing anything fun or exciting on mother's day unless it was raining. If it happened to be raining, every piece of equipment had to be in tip top shape or else the day would be spent in the shop.

The weather was gorgeous so I mentally prepared myself that after mass and breakfast with my family Matt was going to be busy. I was hopeful though that he would at least have a card for me.

Wrong

No card, nothing.

I'm not upset about not getting a gift. I'm not upset about not spending the day together. I'm upset at the lack of acknowledgement of the day.

So when he came in I was folding clothes and I lost it. Tears, blubbering and walking away.

I heard him leave but honestly didn't care where he went. I had laundry to finish before my mom came over for supper (since my dad had to work second shift and my brother wasn't going to be home I didn't want her sitting alone).

I was at the clothesline when he came back with one of those giant cards and a rose. He had that sheepish little boy look on his face and handed me the card. I should have taken a picture of it because  his note in there said thanks for always putting up with me and believing in me. we love you love Chase, Chunky, Zoe, Matt & Reagan.

Seriously

How do you stay mad at that? He also gave me a rose (because we have 1 kid) and $25 to Olive Garden that way when Reagan and I are shopping we can go out to dinner.

Ugh he frustrates me, ticks me off and then goes and does something like that.

I do think though that he understood my frustration as to why I was mad. He got it and he made up for it.

As much as he frustrates me, drives me insane I love him.

Easter Fun

First off how can it be Easter, how can we seriously be halfway through April?

Anywhoo- this was Reagan's second Easter. She obviously doesn't get Easter or any holiday for that matter but the older she gets the more fun the holidays will be.

We started the day at 7:30 mass since Matt wanted to get home and farm. He had wheat to top dress and ground to work. #farmlife (I've been all about hashtags lately). So we drove 2 vehicles to church because I had intentions of stopping and seeing my mom, aunt and uncle before their church and that way they could see Reagan in her dress. Also I needed to run to Wal-Mart because the Easter bunny hadn't been to our house yet. And since Matt was farming the Easter bunny wasn't going to come till we went to my parents. I won't lie, it was nice not to have to fight the crowds and get candy on sale.

First Easter egg hunt

The best picture we got

Admiring her eggs

15 Months and Still Feeling Sleepy....

Friday we had Reagan's 15 month appointment. I feel weird saying I have a 15 month old. It just feels weird, like there is no way she can be that old yet. I also feel weird answering people still in months when they ask how old she is. I just never know if I'm one of those people who always count in months until they are 2 or do I just say she is a year? #firsttimemomprobs

She weighs 25lbs and is 32 1/4 inches tall. I'm not sure of the percentiles but I know she jumped up in the height so much so that the doctor remeasured her because he didn't believe it. My little girl is so tall! She has had a cough and runny nose but I've been contributing it to the fact that she has had some back teeth coming in and poor girl probably inherited my allergies. We've been doing Zyrtec which helps but the doctor gave us something else to try and so far it has been working. I can tell she is feeling better as well. I just hate seeing her miserable!

Speaking of miserable, I thought we had turned the page on the whole not sleeping thing, yea not so. She did good all week and then Thursday night the screaming, crying, throwing herself out of the crib started again. As much as I hated to do it, I put her in our bed and we all slept. Saturday night she spent part of the night in our bed and part in hers and Sunday the same. I just wish I knew what triggers the sudden change in mood. I don't want her to rely on getting to sleep in our bed but at the same time, I need sleep so I'm just rolling with it. Ugh so frustrating!

Please ignore the fact that my husband doesn't have a shirt on, but this is how they were when I came home from working out this morning. While it isn't an ideal situation, I do love the cuddles.

Bedtime...or Lack Thereof

Reagan has always been an excellent sleeper. We have been spoiled. I mean she was sleeping through the night at 7 weeks. As she got older we established a pretty good night time routine. She would get her bath, read then head to bed around 7:00 or 7:30 (this also allowed Matt and I to watch Wheel of Fortune & Jeopardy, nerdy much?). It was great, she would take her lamby and sippy cup and walk back to bed. Easy peasy.

Until the time change...

Now we have a child who refuses to go to bed. We've extended bed time till 8. No biggie right. Well, even at that it is a fight to get her to go to bed. I mean it is a screaming, crying fit. She cries and screams so hard she actually breaks out into a sweat. I let her cry for a bit but I can't stand it when she cries so hard she starts coughing and such.

When she does finally fall asleep she sleeps all night and I have to wake her up in the morning. Before when she would go to bed earlier she would wake up around 6:30 or so. It is easier to get ready in the morning without her being up but I also kind of like our mornings of breakfast and watching Super Why and Thomas the Train.

I'm not sure how to get her back into the habit of going to bed without a fight. Any suggestions?

The Sickness

The flu hit our house big time this past weekend. Saturday night it started with Reagan. 3 or 4 baths that night and multiple sheet changes she finally quit and was able to sleep. She ran a slight fever of about 100. She had one more episode Sunday morning but it was all the pedialyte. Um by the way that stuff tastes just as bad as it smells!

Then Sunday I get a text that our sitter was sick. I knew it must be bad if she didn't want to take any of the kids. So that left me scrambling. Thank goodness my brother's fiancee didn't have to work.

Early Tuesday morning, Matt lost his cookies. According to him, he was dying. He texted me at work and told me to contact the funeral home, priest and cemetary. He also willed Reagan and I all his junk and I got the diesel truck and Reagan the green (lovingly referred around here as the green weenie).

Our sitter was still sick as well which left me to find another back up. Thankfully a family friend was able to watch her. My mom felt bad that she had committed to sub already or she would have watched her. Matt's mom had surgery a few weeks ago and she can't lift Reagan yet. I haven't had the need to ever line up a back up sitter but this week made me realize that I need too!

Today, I woke up with a horrible headache and just somewhat achy. I told myself that I wasn't going to get sick. So I came home and slept almost all day. I feel so much better. I don't have time to be sick (like who does?) but there is so much going on these next two weeks.

Sad part though, because of the sickness I have yet to meet Laura's new addition Ruby and my bff's addiction baby boy D. Ahh sickness you suck!!

Pondering Baby #2

I swear there must be something in the water these days. The amount of pregnancy announcements I've seen or heard or read about seem to multiply by the day. They aren't as hard to see like they used to be, but yet they still stir something within me.

When we found out we were pregnant with Reagan I was like YES, we finally made it to the club. The pregnant/mom club. Now as time has gone on ( time doesn't stop so we can catch up with everyone else? say whatttt?) people who were pregnant while I was pregnant or even after I was pregnant are expecting again. This is when my brain starts reeling. Should I try and get pregnant again? What if I can't get pregnant and it takes a long time? What if I never get pregnant again? What if it happens right away?

Then I stop, shake my head and tell myself to pull it together.

I'm not pregnant now because that's not where we are, we aren't ready for another baby. I'm on BCP for goodness sakes! Don't take that as I wouldn't be overjoyed if we were pregnant because I would be! But I just know the financial strain, emotional strain and every other strain that it would put on our family right now. I always wanted a big family, at least 4 kids. Matt says 6 but after having Reagan he has quickly changed his mind! I also said I didn't know who he was going to have 6 kids with but it wasn't going to be with me!   After the struggle, I don't know if that will happen and right now I'm choosing not to think about it.

I kind of feel like Scarlett O'Hara at the end of the book, "After all, tomorrow is another day."

A Birthday Party for a Farmgirl

I would like to start out saying that we don't really get wild and crazy about birthday's in my family. I mean we acknowledge them and give a gift or a card but we don't have parties and quite frankly we are still trying to go out to dinner as a family for my dad's birthday from December. Don't get me wrong, birthday's are important and should be celebrated but we just choose to do ours on a much smaller scale.

Except for the first birthday.

Now, I've stated before that I refuse to compare Reagan to other babies close to her age. I choose to do this because each child is different and I don't go by the books either. So when planning her first birthday I was not going to compare her's to other peoples that I had seen on facebook or pinterest. Some of the birthday parties that I had seen on pinterest were amazing, adorable, and picture perfect. I made the assumption that either those people were uber crafty, had way to much time on their hands, had tons of money or paid for someone to do it. I had none of those. So off to Hobby Lobby I went with some vague idea of things I wanted.

I knew we were doing a farm theme but that was about it. Thank goodness Hobby Lobby had some great items that went with the theme.

Her party was great, she loved all the attention! She crashed and crashed hard that night and it took her most of Sunday to recuperate.

Loved her cake!

Favor bags with cow pies and road apples (peanut clusters and oreo balls)

Obsessed with balloons!

We kept it super simple.

Seeing all of her monthly pictures lined up made me almost tear up.

My little family!

Uncle Matt and Aunt Kiki

Mom's face is priceless

Do not touch my cupcake

Just kidding, I can share.

I really get to eat this entire thing!!!

And down we go...

This is Reagan and J her sitter. She was so excited to see her that night!